There is no light.

Yea. Only some math worksheets, the research paper, a spider silk project, a pirate project, and 8 assessments to retake. Oh yea, and I have to read Gatsby. 

Tomorrow=sleep. 

And more work….Funnn :P 

You’ve taken something else. I can’t exactly pinpoint it. But I feel as though half of me is gone. 

I’m lost. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everyone know how shy I am. I don’t want to call you and look foolish like an asshole. Because you would only laugh. You would only say ‘I knew  you’d come back’ and laugh. 

But for once. I’d like you to make the first move. I hate wearing the pants. I never wanted the pants. But you thrust them onto me like a rapist thrusts his penis into any pathetic weak girl they can find wandering around the streets. 

I never wanted the pants, but I wanted you so I figured I’d take them and maybe after a while you would learn to simply deal with controlling me. Without being an asshole. Just being my prince. 

 I crave my prince. A new prince? An old prince? I need a light shining at the end of the tunnel to let me know everything is alright. I need a sole signature of approval from the world to tell me that I’m not judged, that I will be accepted. That I’m not alone. 

Now I am alone. 

My deepest darkest fear is being alone. I don’t know exactly what you would call it. Aloneophobia? Yea, I don’t know. But I wish to not be alone. To share my secrets with someone else. You were not only my best friend but the love of my life. I want you to want me. 

So bad. 

I need someone to make clear what’s going on with my head. 

I need a real man. 

You have no idea how much you’ve taken from me. 

It pains me to say that I even miss you. Because I know you were bad for me. 

But I can’t help it. No one can forget their first love. And to think I actually believed we would last forever. Well that’s nothing now. I was foolish. I won’t be foolish anymore. 

I’m broken. You can’t fix me. 

I couldn’t stop crying last night. or this morning. I mean actual crying. Like when the snot comes out of your nose and you look like the biggest mess you’ve ever seen. I’m so grateful my best friends were there or I would’ve been a true wreck. 

It pains me to say I want you back. I know you probably want nothing to do with me right now. I know you probably hate me. 

I’m positive it’s truly over between us. 

I miss that. I was thinking about it last night and this morning. 

I miss it so much. 

When I first met you, you were the apple of my eye, the forbidden fruit. I would do anything to get you. But I was shy, so I watched from afar. Watched my apple go about his day, laughing. As the year went on, I convinced myself to talk to him. It was something small, he said yea thanks. I told him I liked his shirt. It may not seem much but that had made my whole freshman year. To know that someone like him would even talk to me. Ever. It was such and accomplishment. Those who’ve had crushes will know. At band camp we became sort of friends. Because my obsession with him was getting overly insane. People said he was out of my league, that I would never get him, but I was determined, he WOULD be mine. Then a senior took him away from me. I cried. I cried so hard. I knew he was my light. I knew someday we would be so happy together. Through lots of hardtimes though, I had done it, I had talked to him. A week after getting out from the other girl’s clutches I snagged him as my own. And a week later he asked me out…. Sortof. It was honestly the most pathetic thing I had ever experienced in my life. But no, I was sortof happy, and still shy, because we had barely talked and he had already asked me to be his girlfriend. The next few months were amazing. Although, I feel like they were horrible at the same time. I feel like I kept pushing for this relationship to go further because I craved for it to go further. I craved him. I craved having someone to wake up to and care for. Eventually, I fell in love. 

I fell in love with an outcast, an asshole, and ugly piece of shit. Everyone called him these things to me and ALWAYS questioned why I would ever date such a thing. But I didn’t. He was mine and I loved him with all my heart. Over the past month. I didn’t fall out of love. But I was hurt. Multiple times. I confided in him only to have my heart broken at the fact that I don’t believe he really cared if I lived or died. His expression when he saw me in the mornings didn’t look as ecstatic. We were falling apart. 

Today, I broke up with my love. 

And I will never be the same. I don’t know how it got this way but I know that I will never be the same without him. 

He is my light. The reason I wake up in the morning. The reason I even bother coming to school. The reason I try to keep my grades up because I don’t want his family thinking he’s dating a chump. I stand with him everymorning and I think wow, his friends must be ashamed. Who would want me standing by them every morning. Clinging to them for life. I felt like I was the only reason this relationship worked. He was so…. Robert. 

I never stopped loving him. But he was breaking me so much that I had to let go. I had to let go of my light. 

Now I am in a hole filled with darkness. 

Now I am alone. 

Now I am death. 

Now and forever I will never again feel what it feels like to love again

He was and forever will be the love of my life. My soul, My being. 

He is everything I am, but also Everything I am not. 

He is not selfish, he is not evil, he is not poormannered, he is not illnatured, he is not stupid. 

I hope to hell he’ll come back to me. 

Robert Allen McNeal, Junior.

I love you forever 12-16-11

You have no idea what you’ve brought to me and I’ll never stop loving you. 

But you made your choice and it was probably the right one. 

only history, math, and english to go! Woooo!!!

but now. we sleep

It’s not all my make up work. But it’s a start. And besides. It’s Victoria Day! I should be celebrating with the Canadians!!